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The Therapy Sessions
Monday, July 12, 2004

What? Killing bugs is wrong?

Legal fleas:
Here is some heartening news for invertebrates: under new Government proposals, creatures such as insects, worms and slugs will be protected from mistreatment if it can be proved that they suffer pain and distress.

This will pose a legal dilemma for gardeners, who have a number of ingenious ways of disposing of the plant-guzzling invaders. Some cut the offenders in two; others employ saucers of beer, in which drunken slugs drown. A spokesman for Peta, the animal welfare group, has welcomed the proposals, saying: "Compassion must be extended to all living beings. Stamping on a slug sets an example to children that 'might makes right'."

At this point, I really wish I could make it so this PETA spokesman's house would have a serious infestion of cockroaches.

Why do I kill bugs? It's simple: I am superior to them. To them, I might as well be God.

Does this make me sound arrogant? Declaring that I am more important than a bug? On planet PETA it does. I assume they don't bathe or disinfect anything (bacterial genocide!).

I treat my relative divinity with respect. As a god, I do not seek out innocent bugs to kill. But when a bug comes in my house, that's breaking and entering, dammit.

The gloves come off (or rather, the gloves go on).

Thanks to Tim Blair.

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