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The Therapy Sessions
Tuesday, December 21, 2004


For just a moment, he teetered between life and death. Then, looking directly at the horrified crowd on the other side of the fence, he threw out his arms and fell backward into the sky, plunging 1,000 feet.

When he landed on a sixth-floor setback on the west side of the tower, he became the 34th suicide in the famed building's history. His $12 ticket for the observation deck was still inside his pocket.

Even though the jumper went to great lengths to hide his identity, Dr. Alan Berman, director of the American Association of Suicidology, said the man may have been hoping for recognition by choosing to leap from the grand spire.

Yah think?

I mean: no shit.

Let's look for clues here: he jumped to his death from the observation platform of the Empire State Building in front of hundreds of onlookers.

Nope, I don't see nothing.

This poor man's secret was safe until Dr. Berman broke out his magnifying glass.

Should I be afraid to ask: who pays Dr. Berman's salary?

I learned this painful lesson a long time ago, about the time that I could no longer call myself a Democrat.

If it is

a) stupid


b) unprofitable,

there is only one entity stupid enough to pay for it: my government.

Here's a bet that tucked into some appropriations bill or Health and Human Services grant, there was a nice wad of cash that keeps the lights on at the "American Association of Suicidology." (And I don't even get a receipt.)

It is here that they feverishly debate Earth-shattering questions like:

1. Why do people commit suicide? (ME! ME! I KNOW!)
2. Where do people commit suicide? (ME! CALL ON ME!)
3. What are the favored methods of taking ones life? (COME ON! MY TURN!)

Life sometimes sucks. I don't bitch and moan about the cancer patient who takes his own life because his pain is unbearable ("Dr. Death! Paging Dr. Death!"). In fact, I give him a bit of credit: I trust that he was a rational being undergoing stresses that he would rather not endure (and I cannot imagine).

Why should wring my hands over the old guy with huge bills who decides to check out? Or the disenchanted West African guy jumping off the building?

Aren't they doing the same thing?

Let me say this again: life is not for everybody.

Leave it to the government to study something that is done for obvious reasons to one's self (uh, by definition).

Don't let the government ever hear about that thing we know as "masturbation." SSsssh.

They'll create a government task force to study it.

Christ, they probably already have.

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