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The Therapy Sessions
Monday, August 01, 2005

The turd that couldn't keep quiet

I was watching the History Channel the other night.

It says something illuminating about me that a show on cannibalism could have me laughing so hard it brought tears to my eyes.....

The narrator was discussing the Anasazi people, and how controversial their suspected cannibalism was to the anthropological community.

The debate is still brewing.

On one side are the politically correct scientists who earnestly believed the conventional wisdom of twenty years past: the Anasazi were peace-loving people, living in harmony with nature...

On the other hand were the scientists in the field, who seemed to be finding evidence to the contrary.

It began when one scientist found human bones at an Anasazi site. They had been hacked apart. The bones had been ripped open to get the marrow.

He theorized that perhaps the bones were the leftovers of an Anasazi dinner.

The PC scientists pooh-poohed the idea, suggesting that the bones may have been the victims of an attack from a more violent tribe.

Before long, another scientist found similar bones at another Anasazi site. In this case, not only had the victums been hacked to death, they had been cooked. The bones showed charring from fire, and several had been "polished" by boiling in water (similar to bones found in cannibalistic areas in New Guinea - Ummmm, human stock! Great for soups!).

The PC scientists countered. No, they said: the Anasazi were peace-loving people, living in harmony with nature...

Except, of course, when it came to witches.

Then, naturally, they peacefully hacked them to death, cooked their flesh in a fire, boiled their bones, and pulverized the heart.

They did this - of course - with their mouths closed. No eating.

Because they were NOT CANNIBALS.

Just witch killers.

Perfectly normal.

At this point in the debate, an Anasazi elder said that his ancestors might have dabbled in cannibalism once in awhile. He said that it wasn't that uncommon - even Europeans did it. (He said this as he nibbled on his hand.)

The PC scientists were having none of it.

But the Anasazi must have killed A LOT of witches in this way: male witches, female witches, little baby witches....those damn bones kept turning up.

Another site was found, and this one had something special: a corpolite - a pertified human turd. The turd had human myoglobin in it - clear evidence that whoever made the turd had enjoyed a human dinner the night before.

Not only did this seem to prove that the Anasazi were cannibals, it also seemed to prove that they were pre-historic. They were clearly ignorant of one of the most basic rules of human civilization: don't shit where you eat.

At this point in the debate, I thought the PC scientists would give up.

Yes, I am familiar with the ebb and flow of scientific debate, and all avenues must be explored before we can feel we know the truth. But I felt with the unearthing of this interesting turd, all the roads had been pretty well mapped out.

The PC guys had made a good go of it, but alas, the shit was piled against them.

So to speak.

And they would admit it, I thought.

I overestimated them.

The PC scientists now believe that a group of attackers briefly seized the Anasazi land, had themselves a very untraditional Anasazi dinner and crapped near the Anasazi campfire.

Those primitives!

By this point, I was laughing my ass off.

Because we all know: the Anasazi were peace-loving people, living in harmony with nature...

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