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The Therapy Sessions
Monday, November 22, 2004

Assburger's syndrome

Dad Sorry About Daughter's Cake 'Prank'
The father of one of two 13-year-old girls accused of serving poisoned cake to about a dozen students said Thursday he and his daughter were sorry it happened.

"It was a horrible prank that went too far and a lot of people have suffered," the father told The Associated Press. The man asked that he not be identified by name to protect his daughter.

The girls were held on assault charges Wednesday, a day after handing out the cornbread cake at East Cobb Middle School (search).

Lab tests showed the icing contained an expired prescription drug, bleach, clay and hot-pepper sauce, police said. Twelve students, mostly seventh-graders, were treated and released...

...The father said his daughter was diagnosed this summer with Asperger's syndrome, and that doctors told him the girl should not be in a conventional school setting. Asperger's is an autism-related condition characterized by social and communication deficiencies.

I have some experience in this area.

Once, in junior high, I had a bullyish kid who sat next to me in math class. Whenever I was chewing gum (I chewed gum in class?!), he would tell me to give him a piece. One night, I decided that I'd had enough. I poisioned his piece of gum. Well, OK, it wasn't exactly poision. I cut open a piece of the gum (it was one of those big gum chunks, like Bubble Yum or something), and I carved out a little blank space so that it was hollow. In the hollow, I placed a chunk of raw garlic. I sealed the gum together so that it looked just like a regular piece of gum and put it back in its wrapper. The next day, I took gum out in full view of the guy, and predictably enough, he told me to give him a piece. I was very happy when he took it right out the wrapper and popped it into his mouth (on close inspection it would have been obvious that the gum had been altered). After about three seconds, he coughed it up, onto the floor. He was rubbing his face and going crazy. To my horror, the teacher asked him what was wrong. He explained it, almost crying about his burning mouth. Even the teacher could smell his garlic breath, and she ended up giving him a piece of cinnamon gum. For a brief period in junior high, I was a hero: my prank and I were the talk of the school.

Well, OK, and I also conspired with one of my cousins and gave his two brothers chocolate-flavored Ex Lax (we told them it was Hershey's and they failed to notice that it tasted like shit). It was quite humorous the next morning, waking to the sound of my two cousins fighting over the bathroom.

So I feel uniquely qualified to pass judgment on these two girls.

First, what did they put in the gum?

Clay? OK.
Hot pepper sauce? Good one.
A prescription drug? Uh oh, but which drug? And it was EXPIRED? Oh my, that's a death sentence right there.
Bleach? Alright, now that's getting mean.
Yeah, I guess this is a problem.

What get's me is the dad, trying to blame it on a disease. That's so...2003.

Come to think of it: maybe I have Assburger's - oh, excuse me, ASPBERGER's syndrome.

It would explain a lot. I've just always explained away my malicious childhood. I just thought I was a little dickhead.

Little did I know that I was the victim here!

Where are my rights?

Where are the rights of all my Assburger-sufferin' compatriots?

I need some judges to rummage around in the Constitution and see if they can find some for me.

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