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The Therapy Sessions
Thursday, December 09, 2004

Santa's little health secret exposed

It looks like Santa is lactose intolerant.

This problem, apparently, makes for a bumpy sleigh ride: Christopher Kringle Heath Report 2004
As everyone is at this time aware, the largest day of North Pole Incorporated’s (NYSE symbol NPI) annual operation is quickly approaching....Our President and CEO, Christopher Kringle is, without a doubt, a private man, one who is so dedicated to his work that he personally oversees a majority of our annual production and the whole of our shipping process. This privacy has weighed greatly on our current discussion amongst the Board of Executives here at North Pole Inc, as to when and how to best distribute the following information.

Christopher Kringle first noticed a shift in his health following the 2003 Annual Product Shipment, with symptoms that ranged to the end of “general discomfort”. After consulting the North Pole Inc physician and performing a battery of test, it was determined that Christopher Kringle has a shortage of the enzyme lactase within his short intestine, more commonly known as “lactose intolerance”. This shortage results a range of symptoms including nausea, cramps, bloating, gas, and diarrhea.

No milk and cookies for Santa this year.

Don't even try that Lactaid milk. That shit's nasty.

In the Roger's household, we've found that Santa likes bourbon and chips.

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