Foreign precedent

WASHINGTON, DC - In a far-reaching decision that will likely create complicated consequences for the American livestock and wedding-planning industries, the Supreme Court this morning ruled 5-4 that all US marriage dowries 'must include three non-diseased oxen.'

Writing for the majority, Justice Anthony Kennedy cited 'the weight of the expansive penumbra surrounding the historically emerging and prevailing opinions of tribal shamans from Lesotho to Myanamar' in issuing the historic ruling in American Cattleman Association vs. Modern Bride, Helverson, et al.

In a scathing and sometimes caustic dissent, Judge Antonin Scalia wrote that 'Holy. Freakin'. Shit.'

The American Civil Liberties Union, which had filed an amicus brief in the case, praised the decision as 'an important first step in insuring that American grooms will eventually share the same access to bovine property rights as the rest of the international community.' "